Well, my third attempt at blogging. For some reason I have a hard time with this blogging stuff. I have a lot to say and feel that it may help me work through things yet I don't do it. I have erased all my previous entries to start again new and fresh.
I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish with these posts. I'm not sure if it has something to do with wanting to get things off my chest or simply a place to view my opinions. Lately, so much has been changing in me and around me that I feel that there has to be someplace to write it down.
The first thing that amazes me is that I will be married six years on Saturday. I feel blesses to be married to my wonderful husband. I'm not one to use the word wonderful lightly, our marriage has been anything but easy most the time. When we married we had planned our life out knowing what we wanted to accomplish in the future. How silly we were to think that we could make such plans! Our goal of having two children by now with me a stay at home mom are so far from the truth its laughable. Instead, years of trying for a baby have left us with empty arms. Tim's lay off lead to the past two years of him in school to graduate with his LPN license this May and hopefully with a spot in an RN program. I still work my job, although that isn't necessarily a bad thing:) We have gone from a marriage that was less than ideal to one of love and trust and I can't imagine going through it with anyone else. Through all of this, we have seen God's love and care for us over and over again.
Although we have longed for a child and every month that I am not pregnant seems unbearable, we have come to a peace. My job allows me to love children ages new born to 11 every day. They feel my arms and at times the void I feel at not having my own child. Although I love them all, I cringe when parents come to tell me that they are pregnant and that this is not a welcome mistake. Do they realize when they talk so flippantly to people about their unplanned pregnancies that some of us would love nothing more than to have that mistake? Those are the times I lose faith and cry out to God in the unfairness of two people so willing to love a child yet not being able to have one. Adoption has not been placed on my heart as fully as I would expect it to. Both my husband and I are open to this option yet have not felt the right time or opportunity to come along. Who knows what the future holds? Instead, our hearts have been open to travel.
It sounds silly to say that we have been open to travel so let me explain. I don't leave home often. The farthest I have flown is three hours to Florida. I don't like leaving. In the last six months something in me has changed. We are going to put cation aside and stretch our credit cards ability with a trip to Europe this summer. I wish that I could say it has something to do with missions or some other selfless act but it doesn't. The fact that I am willing to leave home for a week and a half is huge and I wanted the first experience with my brand new passport to be my husband and I figuring out our new life. Selfish as it sounds, we need to figure some things out. For some reason, being an ocean away from the people we love and who support us seems like the best opportunity for this to happen. I'm excited and a little nervous, wondering what to expect. It's the longest time that we have been away form anyone and alone together. But I hope that we can figure out what our future holds with God in the lead.
So, now some things have been taken off my chest. I must go and resume my day. I don't know how often I will write or what exactly my ramblings will be, but thanks for reading. And remember that the best laid plans will fall to ruin if God isn't directing your path.
